This one has a subtle message and a surprise funny ending. It's great just for fun or you could use it to illustrate a larger point.
Discord
by Dave Tucker
CAST
DORIS The choir director
JACKIE a choir member
SHERRY a choir member
CHUCK a choir member
RONNIE a choir member
TANYA a choir member
KARLA a choir member
Time: The present
Setting: The choir rehearsal room
KARLA, CHUCK, and RONNIE are waiting in the choir room. SHERRY has just put on her robe and is getting ready. DORIS enters.
DORIS Okay, people, ten more minutes. Look alive. I want to see lots of smiles. You can’t make a joyful noise with a frown on your face. We want to make beautiful music. We want to bring forth soul-stirring emotion, so if you can’t feel the joy, then fake it. Karla, what color are those shoes?
KARLA (looking down at her feet) They’re…um .. they’re…
DORIS Better yet, what color are they not?
KARLA (sheepishly) They’re… …
DORIS Are they black?
KARLA No.
DORIS Are they navy?
KARLA No.
DORIS Then what are they?
KARLA ….Unacceptable?
DORIS Bingo!
KARLA But I –
DORIS Karla!
KARLA (cursing under her breath as she goes) Genesis Exodus Leviticus Numbers Deuteronomy -
KARLA exits reluctantly.
DORIS Put away the magazine, Ronnie, you’re supposed to be thinking about nothing but music.
RONNIE hides magazine and DORIS exits.
CHUCK What are you reading?
RONNIE (showing him the magazine) It’s a catalog.
CHUCK Of what?
RONNIE Tupperware.
CHUCK Really?
CHUCK and RONNIE pore over catalog. TANYA enters.
TANYA Am I late?
SHERRY Are you ever on time?
TANYA Don’t tell the warden, okay?
SHERRY She already noticed. You missed warm ups.
TANYA That’s okay. I have a CD in my car – I sing along with that.
SHERRY You have a CD of today’s selections?
TANYA No – ZZ Top. They have just the right range for me.
CHUCK So you have to pick something out from here?
RONNIE Yeah, Marilyn gave me a bunch of Tupper-bucks for my birthday.
CHUCK Tupper-what?
RONNIE They’re like gift certificates for Tupperware. See, Marilyn wanted to throw me a birthday party, but it was the same night she was hosting a Tupperware party, so she kind of combined the two. So I get to pick out any item from between page four and page seventeen.
CHUCK Sweet!
RONNIE Yeah.
TANYA (at the snack table) Hey, who ate all the maple bars?
SHERRY Show up on time and you’ll get one.
TANYA grabs her robe and exits.
RONNIE So what do you think about this Spaghetti Dispenser?
CHUCK That’s pretty cool. “Special insert allows for easy spaghetti pouring and measuring.”
RONNIE Holds one point one liters.
CHUCK Yeah. Do you make spaghetti a lot?
RONNIE Never. But I could use it to hold my golf balls.
JACKIE enters.
JACKIE Is Tanya here yet?
SHERRY She just came in.
JACKIE Too bad. I was hoping she wouldn’t make it.
SHERRY Jackie!
JACKIE Well, she’s always off-key. Drives me crazy.
SHERRY She’s not that bad.
JACKIE Oh, yes she is! Sometimes it hurts so much I can feel the blood vessels popping behind my eyes.
SHERRY I think you’re exaggerating.
JACKIE No, I’m not – I have perfect pitch. Just ask Chuck. Chuck, doesn’t Tanya sing off-key?
CHUCK (engrossed in catalogue) Huh? Umm… yeah, sometimes.
JACKIE See.
SHERRY I don’t think it’s that bad. Ronnie, really, is she that bad?
RONNIE (engrossed in catalog) You mean Tanya? She just screeches once in a while – like a rock star or something.
TANYA enters, holding a choir robe.
TANYA Okay, this isn’t my robe – I know my robe and this isn’t it. Were you talking about me?
All stare, but say nothing. DORIS enters.
DORIS Alright everybody, look alive – only a couple more minutes. Smiles. Smiles. Let me see some smiles.
Everyone smiles at DORIS in unison.
DORIS Great. Remember, we want to make people happy. Happy, happy, happy. Show some joy, joy, joy.
CHUCK (slaps fist on chest and rises it into the air in salutation) O mighty Caesar, speak and we obey!
DORIS gives CHUCK a disapproving look as KARLA enters wearing different shoes. TANYA exits.
DORIS Karla? New shoes?
KARLA Yes.
DORIS What color are they?
KARLA (sheepishly) They’re… …
DORIS Are they black?
KARLA No.
DORIS Are they navy?
KARLA No.
DORIS Then what are they?
KARLA ….Unacceptable?
DORIS Bullseye!
KARLA (cursing under her breath as she goes) Joshua Judges Ruth First and Second Samuel First and Second Kings -
KARLA exits.
CHUCK Hey! Sponge Bob Soup Cups! You gotta get those!
RONNIE Don’t be silly - I can’t get Sponge Bob Soup Cups.
CHUCK Why not?
RONNIE I don’t eat soup.
JACKIE Doris, do you think Tanya sings off key?
DORIS Well, yeah, sometimes.
JACKIE So why don’t you do something?
DORIS Like what, Jackie?
JACKIE I don’t know. Can you tell her not to come any more?
DORIS Look, I can’t kick her out just because she hits an occasional sour note.
TANYA enters.
TANYA Has anybody seen my music book? Number twenty-seven? Anybody? Were you talking about me?
RONNIE Now, this is a possibility. The Stow ‘N Go sports Bottle.
CHUCK It’s just a water bottle.
RONNIE But look, you can unscrew the bottom, and there’s a special compartment where you can store your keys or money or something.
CHUCK Hey, that’s great!
RONNIE Yeah.
TANYA You were you talking about me, weren’t you?
CHUCK We were just…you know,…. Looking at a catalog.
TANYA What catalog?
RONNIE Tupperware.
TANYA Oh, yeah, like I’m going to believe that! If you’re going to say mean things about me, at least you can admit it.
TANYA exits angrily. KARLA enters.
DORIS Karla?
KARLA They’re navy – okay? Aren’t they navy? They look like navy to me!
DORIS But I can see your toes, Karla. You know better than that. No open-toed shoes.
KARLA (cursing under her breath as she goes) Ezra Nehemiah Esther Job Psalms Proverbs Ecclesiates
CHUCK What about this cheese grater? You like cheese.
RONNIE Yeah. But I don’t grate cheese that much.
CHUCK But if you had this, you would. Look, there’s a measuring bin attached to the back so you can measure the cheese as you grate it. No more guess work.
RONNIE Okay.
CHUCK And the grater is “stay-sharp stainless steel,” no less.
RONNIE …Yeah….
CHUCK And it stands up on the counter to make it “the most stable and fastest grater you’ve ever used.”
RONNIE I like that bin on the back.
CHUCK Yeah, when you’re gating cheese, the cheese falls lightly into the cup – it’s doesn’t get all smooshed up.
RONNIE And I can grate multiple types of cheese and mix them together as I’m grating.
CHUCK And you can store it in the fridge, too, so you can grate your cheese and then use it later. You know, like when you’re watching the game or something, you can be grating cheese and then store it for a meal later in the week.
RONNIE Good idea.
KARLA enters, barefoot.
KARLA Does anybody have any shoes I can borrow?
SHERRY Not me.
JACKIE Me neither. Check the closet in the vestibule – there may be something in there.
KARLA exits. DORIS enters.
DORIS Okay, come one, people, get a move on. Only two minutes! I don’t see anybody smiling!
All smile in unison.
SHERRY Are you going to give a pep talk?
DORIS Not exactly a pep talk, just a few words of encouragement-
CHUCK Here it comes.
DORIS All right, just so you know – you’ve worked hard, you put some serious effort into this, and I realize it was a last minute deal –
JACKIE But what about Tanya?
DORIS What about her?
JACKIE She’s flat.
DORIS You’re just going to have to live with it.
JACKIE Oh, come on, it gives me a migraine just listening to her behind me.
DORIS I’m sorry, Jackie but you’ll just have to ignore it.
JACKIE Ignore that? As horrific as it sounds? Guys! Give me some support here. Ron, don’t you think that Tanya is flat?
RONNIE I can’t really tell.
JACKIE Oh, for crying out loud…What about you, Chuck? Don’t you think that Tanya is flat?
TANYA enters, unseen the others.
CHUCK Actually, I’ve always felt that Tanya is sharp.
TANYA, upon hearing in this, smiles, and smoothes her outfit.
DORIS Well, like I was saying, our job is to bring forth joy-
KARLA enters. Everyone looks at her feet.
CHUCK and Combat Boots?
RONNIE
DORIS Karla-
KARLA Are they the wrong color, Doris?
DORIS No, but-
KARLA Are they open-toed shoes, Doris?
DORIS No, but-
KARLA Then I don’t want to hear it.
DORIS (under her breath) Isaiah Jeremiah Lamentations EzekielDaniel (with a pause) As I was saying we have to bring the place to life – fill it with sunshine. You may not feel so great yourself, but we owe it to everybody sitting out there to give them the time of their lives. Smiles- everywhere. Look like you’re enjoying it. Make a joyful noise…and wear a joyful expression. Now let me see you smile.
All smile in unison.
DORIS Okay, get out there and make those people happy. We’re going to make sure that this is the best funeral service they’ve ever seen.
All exit.
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